How to Set Boundaries With a Difficult Family Member

Nedra Glover Tawwab knows deep inside her bones that choosing which family you will be raised in is impossible.

Mrs. Tawwab, 39, was raised in a bustling family within Detroit and “experienced it all,” she told the media, “from substance abuse to neglect in family relationships.” She scored seven out of 10 on the Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey, an instrument utilized by health professionals to gauge the extent of the trauma children have experienced.

This experience led her to a profession as a licensed clinical social worker who focuses on relationships. Additionally, she is a top-selling creator of the book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” and is a well-known Instagram Therapist whose 1.7 million users consume her concise and insightful posts. (A recent instance: “The silent treatment isn’t teaching them a lesson; it’s showing you can’t handle conflict.”)

Within Ms. Tawwab’s latest work, “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships,” she provides practical ways to deal with unhealthy family dynamics and methods to effectively break up with someone if you choose to disconnect from them.

“As a child, relationships are put on you, but as an adult you get to choose who you want to be in relationships with and how,” Ms. Tawwab said. “Even with family.”

Establishing and maintaining boundaries within relationships can be complex and long-lasting work, mainly when it involves a sibling, parent, or a child family member who has played the most important part throughout your lifetime as long as you can remember.

Ms. Tawwab has shared some strategies to start this emotional process.

Choose what a “successful” relationship would look like for you.

There will never be an ideal relationship with anyone in your family, Mrs. Tawwab stated. If you have a difficult family member, taking a step back and reflecting on what a “successful” connection means to you is beneficial.

To begin, you must identify the problems that affect the relationship between you and the family member you refer to. Determine what type of relationship you could realistically be able to and would like to establish with this person, considering the factors.

Perhaps, for instance, you’re having trouble with your relationship with your parents. “If you come from a close-knit family and your partner has a family that’s a bit more distant, sometimes we try to arrange things, we try to invite them in, and when we get that pushback we’re upset,” Ms. Tawwab said. In this case, “success” may mean acceptance of the way that your in-laws behave and cease trying to alter the culture of your family, according to her.

Consider: What is it that I do to control?

In her latest book, the author. Tawwab emphasizes her belief that you can’t change your family members.

“When the solution to the problem is ‘they need to change,’ the problem will never go away,” she writes. “You can only control your side of the street.”

Ms. Tawwab advises you to ask yourself, what if the person you are with did not alter anything? What is it that you do to make it more positive? Note everything down in the form of a list. She said: “These are the issues that are causing this conflict. These are the aspects of the issue, es I can alter, but these are the ones that aren’t my responsibility.”

In the book, Ms. Tawwab offers the example of “Kelly” (she uses only first names throughout). She was deeply “burned” by her brother repeatedly. Instead of focusing on how she’d like to change the way he behaves, Kelly might write down ways to cope within her control, for example, sending his calls to voicemail so that she can answer them at a time when she’s willing and also telling him the topics she will not discuss, including the ranting of parents or siblings are not allowed.

Make yourself more comfortable with difficult conversations.

Change in a dysfunctional relationship will require you to confront your family member. However, this is a skill anybody can acquire. Tawwab said.

Begin with a jog. Remember that asserting your wants and boundaries isn’t rude, she stated.

If it’s the time to speak to your family members, make sure your script is straightforward and straightforward, Mrs. Tawwab said. It’s common for people to avoid difficult conversations because they’re looking for what they consider to be the “right” words. It’s okay to say things like “I don’t want you yelling at me anymore,” she suggested as an example. She added, “There’s not a more ‘beautiful’ or perfect way to say that.” (She explained that therapy can help you find and recognize your needs and learn how to articulate them.)

“We have tricked ourselves into thinking that we’re supposed to always feel comfortable, so even as we’re saying hard things our goal is to say it without the other person feeling upset or mad or wanting a further explanation,” she added. “And that’s not realistic.”

Be aware that a family member who is the victim will be a victim.

When families are dysfunctional, changes are almost always viewed as a rejection. Tawwab said. In her book, she writes that “boundaries in unhealthy families are a threat to the system of dysfunction.”

A change request may be rejected with a mixture of rejection (“You’re wrong to be making changes because everything was going smoothly before you took action”), shame (“You’re a horrible person”), or anger (“I’m angry because you’re not happy with the way things are”) she writes. It is possible to experience outward-looking resentment, including family members remaining as if you did not say anything or even urging you to reconsider your decision.

Preparing for these reactions will help you prepare yourself to ensure you don’t get hurt by your family member’s response.

Make sure you are at a reasonable distance.

Mrs. Tawwab said she was amazed by the number of people she has met who don’t realize the strategic importance of separation, maintaining certain bonds, and creating a healthier dynamic.

Separating yourself from a family member isn’t the same as not paying attention to the person the writer writes. Distancing could be placing time and distance between yourself and your loved ones (for instance, refusing hotel invitations during holidays with family members). Distancing can also mean you interact less with someone emotionally (for example, turning the conversation off from subjects you’re uncomfortable with or excluding the individual from certain areas you live in).

If you’re trying to maintain your relationship with a problematic family member simply because it is worth it for you, accepting — and deliberate distance — could give you some peace, Mrs. Tawwab writes, but it’s not easy.

“You will have to do the work to accept situations, and build patience for what is outside your control,” she writes. “Remember that dealing with certain problematic behaviors is a choice.”